A Day With The Gorillas

I had just left the Gorillas lair. I was lucky to have had a seat among these lower primates that were housed in a zoo in the northern part of Nigeria. They had invited me to partake as an observer in an expanded all-inclusive meeting slated to marshal out ways to counter an ongoing investigation.

The onslaught perpetrated by government officials in that part of the country was to determine why and how a gorilla swallowed a whopping seven million naira ( twenty thousand dollars equivalent)….all in cash….cash meant for sole purposes of feeding the gorillas.

Why did they bite the fingers that fed them? How dare the gorillas swallow such an amount? How ungrateful can these primates be?…the government of the day had complained through their vocal spokesmen. If found guilty, gorillas should be arraigned…..they all had opined.

How did I find out about the government’s grouse? I must have found out about the same time as the gorillas because this story had made the headlines in my country Nigeria…..a country where the impossible happens, a nation that successfully prosecuted a snake for a similar offense, a federation who had now become the first in the world to have gorillas access information on daily newspapers about same time with humans.

How did I know that they read the newspapers? I know this because the government of the day had just constituted a robust committee that spans so many other sub-committees with the sole aim of getting to the root of the problem. It was splattered all over the prominent dailies in Nigeria and as I sat in the midst of the imminent suspects, I could make out these dailies, laying in piles and shreds around the zoo, some pages were already serving as scratching pads …. a soothing act I had presumed, watching their faces as they all hunched in silence.

A majority of them had sat in silence, hunched over leaflets, chewing on their tongues in what seemed like a subtle agitation. They were all pissed by the gravity of the allegation but yet maintained a calm demeanor that was volcanic in nature…..it was in the offing….an explosion. They had been in these precarious situations before. They had been boxed in yet again by these humans, all they needed to arrest this situation was a concise and clear plan to counter allegations.

I could make out the lead gorilla in a corner with the center spread of the vanguard news “Gorillas swallows seven million” held in between his sweaty palms. He sure was devastated and shocked by the allegations. He had been the leader of this pack for a few years and experience and coordination would once be required to outsmart these humans.

I could hear him rumbling, devastated that the humans never considered the sheer weight of seven million naira in a gorillas belly, he was livid with anger with their thought process..how did the humans consider this weird possibility?

But the humans were not to be trusted. This was a time that the gorillas needed each other. Any descent or alternate views from any gorilla would spell doom and trouble for the whole pack. If by human manipulations or sheer providence, that those monies were found in one of the bellies of the gorillas, it was going to be terrible for the rest of the years and will tilt the peaceful co-existence that they have enjoyed ever since.

Bamba, the lead gorilla had stood up eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, huddled slowly to middle and in a remarkable show of leadership, looked around, straight into the eyes of his com-padres and said in an unhinged deep throat “did anyone swallow or eat this money?

A resounding “No” had rent the air…….then a blistering quiet

We are going to take a singular approach to solving this pending issue he had said. “Our solution lies in their methodology, our redemption is nested in the approach of the government officials in handling this issue.

Bambi now called them closer to get in a tighter circle, so that the secret to the solution would be heard and imprinted in their hearts. He raised his finger one more time to command silence while he commenced the counter-onslaught.

Bambi had started reeling out the list of committee titles, sub-committee titles, chairmen and deputies, secretaries and treasurers. He had gone through the list.

Committee on recovery of swallowed funds.

Committee on due process and budget administration.

Committee on protocol.

Committee on security

Committee on internally generated revenue, and so many more. Then they had committee representatives from the nine villages in the state, that also had sub-committees in various areas. They even had a committee on inter-denominational matters.

Forty-one committees in total……does anyone among you have any problems with these committees?

No one lifted nor bathed an eyelid except a young gorilla with a slight white patch on his chin. He had a bit of fear on the sub-committee on interdenominational matters. “I am wondering what this committee has to do with the investigation of missing and swallowed funds.

There was a bit of an uproar as other gorillas urged him for more concerns..

Inauguration of a ten-member committee to be held on the last Friday in August, sub-committee chairmen and deputies to be sworn in a week after, identification of key areas and submission of first assessments of reports…deadline October 31st, key witness assembly, and fact-finding ..Nov.15th, committee coalition report…December 15th…

“And what month are we in again….Bambi had cut him short

June…..the gorillas had all echoed, with a majority reeling on the floor with laughter.

These humans are very stupid….Bambi had started with a grin on his face. “If I were them, I would take a closer look at our stomachs……being the destination of the swallowed money”. “An Xray machine is all they needed.

His gaze now became transfixed as he looked around into each and every one of them, piercing their souls with a searching throb…. then he had uttered the magic word.

“Hide the machine”

Hide the machine, hide the machine, hide the machine….. as they all jumped up and down, stumping in unison.

Quiet….. Bambi had continued…we are together on this, we would do everything possible for the x-ray not to suffice.

We are going to hide the x-ray from the humans, they would never find it. The x-ray is their window and eyes into our stomach……we won’t allow it… never..he concluded as he quietly dismissed the pack and went back to his center spread.

It would take the government officials up till December at least to submit what looked like a white paper on way forward as regards to whereabouts of purported swallowed monies. The monies that would be expended in estacodes, seating allowances of these various committees would by December run in excesses of millions, thrice the swallowed amount. They even had a committee that was in charge of refreshments on the day of the inauguration who have submitted for budget inclusion of three million naira, security and protocol committee forwarded for consideration, a bill of two million naira…

What a life.

Simple solutions in my country that required common sense are drowned by too many committees looking the wrong way or not looking at all.

The gorillas had made a single swoop “no x-ray.. no report on findings….case closed. I would leave us humans to compare methodology in problem-solving.

The biggest problem…..why are the government officials ready to spend twenty million or more to look for six million and yet a definite answer is not guaranteed. Forty-one fact-finding committees…on a swallowed monies case, first stop should have been the belly of the gorillas…..their own belly became the first stop.

I now think we are enmeshed in these same lines of thinking, in literally every community around us, where we approach problems with problems. We approach problems without a charter course on solutions. We dive in on a blind and hence do not have a target on the outcome.

We do not want solutions, even when the solution is staring us right in the face. We simply miss it. Our minds are now conditioned to overlook the solution. These mishaps start always in wrong and incapable committee constitution, where square pegs that would never fit round holes are invited to be members. These mishaps start when members are constituted, not for purposes of finding solutions but for a clear cut political hack job. These events spiral out of control when the status of membership in committees are more glorified than the solution sought.

It is only in my country that people celebrate in fanfare and largess when they make committee membership. It is only in my country that the aim of membership is a far cry from the solutions sought. They even celebrate before the fact-finding or job is completed. They pray and ask for tenure elongation even before the start, turning blind eyes to solutions that would ordinarily bring committee to a logical end…

These are the issues.

We need a rebirth. We need a new set of leaders that truly understand the basis of change, with a voracious appetite for a solution. We need those new breeds of crusaders who understand and know that societal challenges deserve sustainable solutions. We need those with a drive to impact meaningfully, looking at the right places, making the right call.

We need those that appreciate success as the only currency and language in committees that they find themselves.

We need Bambi-like leaders who carry their followers above and beyond, who deal with problems with a swoop of ideas and yet solve myriads of problems.

We are superior primates…. time to live it up

Uchenna Iwualla MD

It Matters Period